Unintentional Harm: Understanding the Out of Control Body

Recently, one of our parents asked what to do when her son become grabby and pinchy at home or school.  She recognizes that her son has motor control issues and knows that he is not trying to intentionally hurt her but is having trouble reconciling the difference between his intentions and actions. All of our clients have motor control difficulties, formally known as apraxia, but informally described as a “body-brain disconnect.” We have also written about it here and here. Since we believe the real experts we decided to pass this mom’s question along to “The Tribe”, our group of nonspeaking young adults who communicate through spelling.

Here’s some of the Tribe – Ben, Huan, Emma, Lisa, Ryan and Paul.

Huan: Explain that when something like that happens he does not wish to hurt anyone. He is most likely over stimulated and had no other outlet in that moment. It’s a really terrible feeling to experience and that’s the only way I can explain it. Just trust that he really doesn’t want to hurt anyone.

Emma: I definitely feel your pain. I am one of those who can’t control their body. I know it is not ok for me to shriek but I can’t stop myself even when it is affecting my friends. Try to be patient and know it is not his intention to hurt you.

Ben: It’s hard when teachers don’t understand you and some kids unknowingly provoke you and your body is vibrating and feels as if you might explode and you actually do and someone gets hurt. Your heart breaks, but now you’re in trouble and you can’t remember how you lost the control you worked so hard to maintain. If teachers can’t understand this impulse, how are we supposed to stop? How are we to progress? It’s like, not hard.

And some more of our Tribe – Tom, Ian and Ryan

Ian: Tell the teachers there are things going on in the environment that neurotypicals will never pick up on, and when they try to control your son they are getting in the way of his self-regulation process and he strikes.

Paul: Tell them he doesn’t want to do it. It’s his brain body disconnect. And he is intensely dysregulated.

Davis: One of the hardest things to explain is doing something horrible to someone you love. It is the last thing that you want to do and it makes you sick to accept that you did this. I wish I could give you a better answer. It is anxiety and constant dysregulation not your sweet child’s intentions at fault.
Another of our clients, Jordyn, has more to share on how he struggles when his unintentional actions hurt others. Thanks to the Tribe for your insight on this complicated and emotional issue.
~Elizabeth and The Tribe
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A Letter to My Body

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A few weeks ago, my client, Ethan, came in for his session very upset and agitated.  We began our lesson and tried working through his irritation to no avail. Ethan was becoming more and more distraught. So, we took a short detour from our lesson to discuss the issue. I am a big stickler for doing lessons in letterboard sessions – it is part of the process – engaging the brain and then body in cognitive lessons. However, sometimes the situation calls for a change in plan and this was one of those days!

Elizabeth:  Let’s break for a moment Ethan. I can see you are really upset. What’s going on?

Ethan:  I AM UPSET BECAUSE I AM NOT KIDDING AROUND AND I CAN NOT HELP IT WHEN MY BODY ACTS OUT.

Elizabeth: Let’s try writing a letter to your body.

DEAR BODY,

I DO NOT LIKE YOUR BEHAVIOR TODAY!  YOU ARE MAKING ME DO THINGS I DO NOT WANT TO DO AT ALL! DO NOT MAKE ME LOOK BAD ALL THE TIME.  I DO NOT WANT PEOPLE THINKING I BEHAVE LIKE THIS ON PURPOSE.  JUST LIKE A PUPPET MY BODY MAKES ME DO STUPID THINGS ALL THE TIME.  I WOULD NOT MAKE SUCH STUPID CHOICES IF I WERE IN CHARGE OF MY BODY.  NO ONE CAN UNDERSTAND HOW PAINFUL THIS IS TO ME.  I HATE NOT BEING IN CONTROL OF MYSELF.  IT SUCKS SO MUCH. ONE DAY I AM LIKE A WELL BEHAVED KID AND THEN I AM LIKE SOME SORT OF CRAZY PERSON.  I GUESS THIS IS WHY PEOPLE DOUBT THAT I AM SMART.  I REALLY CAN’T BLAME THEM. I WOULD PROBABLY THINK THE SAME THING IF I SAW SOMEONE ACTING LIKE I DO SOMETIMES.  IT IS A BUMMER TO BE STUCK IN THIS BODY THAT MAKES ME LOOK STUPID WHEN I AM ACTUALLY REALLY SMART.  THE END.

Elizabeth:  How do you want people to treat you when your body is going crazy?

Ethan: JUST IGNORE MY BODY AND TALK TO ME LIKE YOU WOULD IF MY BODY WAS NOT FREAKING OUT.  CALLING ATTENTION TO IT ONLY MAKES IT LAST LONGER.  KNOW TIME WILL MAKE IT BETTER.  I AM ALWAYS TRYING TO CONTROL MYSELF.  BE PATIENT WITH ME.

Elizabeth: Can I share this on my blog? I think other kids have this same issue and it may help them.

Ethan:  SO GREAT IF MY WORDS CAN HELP OTHERS.

I am so grateful to Ethan and his family for letting me share his letter to his body and his other thoughts with you. Motor control is HUGE issue for our clients.  I believe we need to be very careful about what we label as “behavior” (this word is rapidly becoming my least favorite) and what is truly a lack of motor control or the manifestation of another underlying issue.

Ethan’s irritation continued over subsequent sessions. His mom and caregiver reported that he has been similarly bothered at home. The cause of Ethan’s increased discomfort and motor activity and lack of body control started to come out during a creative writing about the scientific method. (Great information is often revealed “sideways” in cognitive lessons). Turns out that Ethan is very anxious about starting middle school in the next couple of weeks and “that is why my body is acting out.” Huh….imagine that! Not an intentional “behavior” but a very understandable anxiety about embarking on a new, exciting but completely unknown educational experience! How very like any other kid getting ready to head off to middle school! ~Elizabeth